Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Forsaken Anonymity


The original intention of this blog was to create a workspace that I could practice writing on a consistent basis. Instead of focusing on one project or another for extended periods of time, I could write a short article that would only take an hour or two of my day. I did not intend to gain a wide readership, or really have anyone pay attention at all. However, over time, the temptation of recognition slowly started creeping into my mind grapes. I started telling my family and close friends about the blog, seeking their approval in veiled discussions.

"Oh, you've read my blog? It's pretty silly isn't it? No? You liked it? What did you like? Specifically. Tell me exactly how much you enjoyed your reading experience! I need exaltation of my work!!!"

Still, throughout the first several months in the life of this blog, I kept it mostly to myself. If people asked how I spent my day, especially during my period of unemployment, I might make a mention of the blog. The majority of my entries were posted anonymously, without direct references to the names of my family and friends. Nick was referred to as "my roommate", Amanda was "my sister", coworkers were simply "coworkers", as well as a wide variety of nicknames given to homeless people and potential employers. Although I share quite a bit of personal information within the confines of this space, I didn't need the entire world to know every detail of my life.

Over time, things have begun to change. I have told more and more people of the blog, sending out the URL over emails, and posting the address on my Facebook page. I become more careless with mentioning specific details of my life, often including my name with the text. Yet, I was still writing material that I didn't necessarily want everyone on the interwebs to know about.

This leads me to a moment a few weeks ago, where I immediately regretted my acts of carelessness. I was closing up the bar, after an especially slow evening at work. My manager had spent quite a bit of time in the upstairs office throughout the shift, while I was cleaning glassware and drink wells. I assumed that he was working on paperwork and his closing duties, causing me to be caught completely unaware for what was about to happen.

As I turned up the house lights and closed the front door, my manager walked down the stairs and said, "I found your blog."

Although every word that left his mouth was said clearly and distinctly, my brain experienced a complete lock-up. I couldn't fully comprehend what he had said, leaving my standing there with an idiotic look on my face. I stammered out an "excuse me" while he continued to smirk in my direction. He said again, "I found your blog."

I immediately tried to remember everything that I had written over the last seven months, in order to most effectively plan my damage control. While still in categorization mode, my manager said, "I really liked the 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' one."

"Oh Crap!" I thought. This particular entry, in case you may have missed it, was about the management style of one of the owners of Confidential. It was written just after I had spent a 15 hour day in the bar, cleaning under the speed racks and dishwasher, fearing having to return for further cleaning on our day off. I may have said some things in the article that I didn't necessarily want my boss to read for himself.

The only thing that I could do was produce a stupid look and ask, "How did you find it?"

"I saw the link on your Facebook account," he replied.

"Dammit," I thought to myself. My need for attention had lead to a situation that could be potentially damaging to my current employment status. There was no telling how my boss would react to reading the article. Maybe he would think it was funny, and be able to joke around with me about it. Or, he might take offense and immediately fire me while periodically stabbing me with a kitchen knife.

I pleaded with my manager to keep this newly discovered information to himself. He informed me that he had already sent out the link to the other members of the bartending staff. "Shit!" was the only word that came to mind. My brief respite from the unemployment line was most likely coming to an end.

I deleted the posting upon returning home that evening, hoping that I could somehow stop the bleeding before the situation got worse. Luckily, my manager had saved a copy of the article on his computer, periodically showing it to members of the staff throughout the following week, making my deleting efforts meaningless.

It has been almost three weeks since this incident occurred, and I am still gainfully employed. I don't think that my boss ever saw the article, and, due to my lack of postings recently, I'm hoping that my manager has stopped checking this blog.

I shouldn't have the links on my Facebook account. I shouldn't mention anything about my job in this space. I shouldn't carelessly throw out the fact that I have a blog. I know this, but my ego can't help itself. It needs that acknowledgment. It craves it. Even though my cover has been blown, I will continue to forge ahead, likely leading back to unemployed status. Not that this would be the worst thing in the world. At least it will provide some good material, right?

-More to come...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Finding Distractions


Blogging has become more and more difficult to fit into my day. I have found myself pushing it off more and more with each passing week. The phrase, "I'll write something tomorrow," has become a regular thought in my mind. It's not because I have become unmotivated to write, or because I have nothing to say, but more so because I have found a plethora of distractions. Things that I would rather spend time doing, than hammering out of piece for this website.

Since Nick and I made the move to the beach, I have discovered a whole new world of distracting items that seem to fill my day. The ocean is close enough that I can stop by while running errands. I can stop by the bank, the drugstore, and the post office, and hear the crash of the waves. I often find it calling out to me. What did you say ocean? You want me to jump into you and splash around like a 12 year old? Okay!

To add to this, a couple of friends and I have decided to make a slow transition to surfing. We started with body surfing, just to introduce ourselves to the waves. It was like playing Truth and Dare with the ocean. We were discovering things about each other, occasionally kissing or taking off articles of clothing, but it wasn't like you would regard it as a true make out.

That's where the boogie boarding came into play. We had graduated from Seven Minutes in Heaven and Spin the Bottle to a legitimate make out session. We bought some cheap boards from a convenience store and quickly fell in love with the activity. Possibly due to my aggressive boogie boarding style, or maybe because of my fat ass, I quickly broke my board in half. I had gotten a little too excited for my first ocean make-out, and was punished for it. Two boards later, I think that the ocean and I have reached a compromise. I will no longer go directly for the heavy petting, but will slowly work my way towards it, after a sufficient warm up period.

In addition to the ocean time activities, we live in close proximity to a wide variety of bars and restaurants. I spend the majority of my nights and weekends in a bar already, so it's not like I'm stopping in for drinks on a regular basis. However, if I happen to get off work early on a given evening, it is much easier to meet friends than it was in the past. We are a two minute drive away from the Badger bar, a couple of blocks from bars that my friends work in, and in the same neighborhood as a large collection of our San Diego crew. In the past, living in the hood, I might have spent my free time by myself, writing, and attempting to entertain you, fine reader.

The biggest distraction, however, has become the time that I've spent with a certain someone over the past couple of months. Despite my best efforts to avoid commitment, I find myself involved in a situation that provides a wide range of distractions on a daily basis. It isn't a bad place to be in, but I often find myself dedicating more energy into this situation than into my on-line writing. I have a commitment to the reading public as well, right?

In the end, it's more laziness than anything else. I have often used these distractions as excuses for why I can't write anything during a particular day. It has to stop! The writing must continue!

-More to come...